The type of flattery leaders should use

Nicole Davis, CPA, subscribes to a form of flattery that is soft-spoken, charming, and encouraging. It’s the kind of flattery she believes belongs in every leader’s communication toolkit.

“When people hear the word flattery, [they] immediately think fake, manipulative, telling people what they want to hear,” said Davis, managing partner at Conscious Accounting, an accounting and tax advisory firm in Atlanta. “For me, flattery is the ability to make other people feel seen, valued, and understood.”  

Davis is redefining flattery as positive reinforcement, artful persuasion, and strategic encouragement. To Davis, flattery is a communication tool to connect with others, strengthen relationships, and build influence.

Through speaking engagements and her soon-to-be-published book Flattery: The New F Word — How To Be Authentic and Get What You Want Out of Business & Life, Davis seeks to “reframe flattery as an authentic leadership skill that we just need to do a better job of developing.”

A flattering view of flattery

Merriam-Webster defines flattery as 1 (a) the act or practice of flattering, (b) something that flatters, and (2) insincere or excessive praise. It defines flattering as “showing or expressing gratifying respect or admiration,” “excessively or insincerely complimentary,” or “helping to enhance attractiveness.”

Davis acknowledges the insincere-praise definition of flattery, but she doesn’t think it captures the full meaning of the word. Her concept of flattery as a leadership tool is based on the gratifying respect and admiration aspects of the word.

“I’m not arguing that the dictionary got it wrong,” Davis said. “I’m challenging why we’ve allowed the manipulative side of flattery to define the entire act.”

As Davis sees it, flattery has an authentic side. Think of it as praise or a compliment but used specifically to make the recipient feel seen.

“I think a compliment just makes people feel good,” she said, adding that flattery can be intentional without being manipulative.

Davis employs flattery to connect with people. Used sincerely, flattery can be “where connection starts and influence follows,” she said.

Flattery in action

To show how her preferred kind of flattery works in practice, Davis shared the following stories.

We hired a new payroll specialist who took over one of our more complicated clients with three pay cycles, dozens of custom pay items, and an owner who required a lot of attention during payroll week. Instead of simply getting through each payroll, she took her time to learn the client’s quirks and map the pay codes against state requirements. One day I stopped by her office and told her, “I see you learning that client’s quirks like they’re your own. That type of diligence protects us and the client. Keep up the good work.”

She smiled, and that was it. I noticed the effort, named why it mattered, and kept moving. Within a few months, that same work ethic put her on the path toward becoming a team lead. Leaders don’t have to wait until someone gets the promotion, hits the goal, or finishes the project to recognize them. Progress is worthy of praise, too.

I had a client, let’s call her Dana, who was incredibly capable. She ran her team like a machine but was questioning whether she was ready for the next level. I told her, “The way you lead is quiet, but it’s strong. People trust you because you don’t pretend to be perfect. That’s why they follow you.” She got quiet and finally said, “No one’s ever said that to me before.” I wasn’t making anything up. I simply noticed something true about her and said it out loud. Sometimes, the most powerful thing a leader can do is hold up a mirror and help someone see what they can’t yet see in themselves.

I was at Waffle House and could tell my interaction with the waitress was headed in the wrong direction. Instead of matching her energy, I noticed her nails, told her they were cute, and asked to see them. Her entire demeanor changed. We connected, the conversation changed, and so did the interaction. Sometimes, influence isn’t about convincing someone you’re right. It’s knowing how to change the temperature in the room.

Davis said her type of flattery is UPRIGHT — unselfish, personal, relevant, immediate, genuine, honest, and targeted. “The compliment serves them and not you. There’s no hidden agenda,” she explained. “Your words should be fresh, not stale. Genuine. If it’s not coming from a place of truth, don’t say it.”  

To distinguish between genuine and selfish, manipulative flattery, Davis offers the FAKE test. FAKE stands for Flattery for personal gain, Actions that are selfish, Kudos without evidence, or Exaggerated, empty words. FAKE flattery feels like a transaction, not a connection.

“Somewhere along the way, we started confusing intention with manipulation,” Davis said. “I can genuinely admire something about you and want your business. Both can be true! The problem is having a dishonest agenda.”

Influence begins with believing you deserve to be heard

Used thoughtfully, Davis said, flattery builds rapport, strengthens influence, and helps others feel appreciated and valued. And practicing flattery is a way for leaders to recognize that their own voice is worth hearing, she said.

It’s a message she believes is especially important for women to hear.

“I think you can be both brilliant at your job and still be overlooked,” Davis said. “You can have all the credentials. You can do exceptional work and still watch opportunities walk away from you. I want women to stop treating career advancement like it’s beneath them, like they don’t deserve it. Like they don’t deserve to have a voice or deserve to have influence.

“Technical expertise gets you in the room, but it’s the influence that changes what happens when you’re in there.”

Davis will share more of her perspective on the value and complexity of flattery at the upcoming AICPA Women’s Global Leadership Summit, Nov. 16–18, in San Diego. She will be presenting the session “Flattery Is Not a Dirty Word: How To Build Influence Without Compromising Integrity.”

—Jamie J. Roessner is a writer for the JofA. To comment on this article, contact Jeff Drew at Jeff.Drew@aicpa-cima.com.