How to stop work from consuming your life

Do you ever feel like work is taking over your life? You’re not alone. For many years, work dominated my life, too. Then on March 28, 2015, a phone call changed everything. The person on the other end said, “Andrea, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we found Michael dead in his home today.”

Michael was the love of my life, and, in that moment, my world changed completely. I started asking myself questions like, “What am I doing? Why am I grinding so hard? Why am I working like this? What is the purpose of my life? How can I be more fulfilled?”

Until that day, I had let work consume my life in every role I played. Work took over when I was a CPA tax professional. It continued when I added financial planning to my tax work and when I became director of the AICPA’s Personal Financial Planning section.

As I reflected on my life and work, I realized I had been operating in what health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., calls the “default” state of being. More than events and circumstances, it’s the “default” state of mind that may unknowingly run your life. It’s likely why you take on clients you don’t want, say yes to things you don’t want to do, and feel you must keep working harder to get ahead. It’s why you keep putting off other important areas of life, thinking you’ll get to them someday.

The antidote to the default state is what McGonigal calls the “experiencing” state of being. In this state, you tend to have better clients, do work that’s in your zone of genius (a term coined by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., that refers to work where you excel naturally and feel deeply fulfilled), have time to focus on other important areas of life, and have the courage to stay true to yourself no matter what’s happening around you. The results in all areas of your life improve, and the journey to those results becomes more rewarding. Learning to embody the experiencing state is what transformed my life.

In this article, I help you identify the default state because the key to preventing it from taking over your life is seeing it for what it is and making intentional choices about what you want to create instead. I also give you a framework for accessing the experiencing state so you can more effectively integrate your work, relationships, and vitality and take your life to the next level.

THE DEFAULT STATE: ON AUTOPILOT AND FEELING STUCK

The default state often runs on autopilot, guiding your thoughts, feelings, and behavior unconsciously. This can leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and disconnected from what brings you joy.

The default state is a product of evolution — a survival mechanism designed to keep you safe and hyperaware of potential threats. This instinct was vital for our ancestors on the lookout for predators. Today, it causes us to focus on worst-case scenarios, remain in a constant state of vigilance, and operate from a place of scarcity. In this state, you may fall into negative thought patterns like self-criticism, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and rigid thinking. You might feel like you’re never doing enough, spend a lot of time worrying about the future, or fixate on what others think of you.

The default state can show up in three ways:

• First, it protects you when there are real threats to your well-being. This is crucial and is why our brains and nervous systems are wired this way.
• Second, it emerges when you’re growing, learning, and stepping outside your comfort zone. When this happens, and you can see it for what it is, you can intentionally choose to keep growing and stay aligned with what matters most, even when it feels scary.
• Third, it operates unconsciously, guiding your life without your realizing it. Your brain can’t distinguish between real and imagined threats. It defaults to protecting you, even when no true danger exists. This third way is the problem area. Being aware of it is key to making choices from a place of possibility and purpose rather than from a place of limited options and rigidity.

The third aspect of the default state may manifest as feeling stuck, unable to grow or be the person you want to be, whether at work or in your personal life. On the other end of the spectrum, it may drive you to create a rigid, 17-step plan to achieve your goals — a grind devoid of enjoyment. I swung between both ends of this spectrum when workaholism ruled my life.

THE EXPERIENCING STATE: LIVING WITH INTENTION

The experiencing state is about being present, mindful, and making choices that align with your values and desires. In this state, you’re more likely to be creative, courageous, compassionate, resilient, and innovative. When you’re in the experiencing state:

• You have clarity about your priorities. You know what matters most and focus your time and energy on those things.
• You experience more joy and satisfaction. You can enjoy the present moment and find meaning in daily activities.
• You’re more self-aware. You notice your thoughts and emotions with curiosity and compassion, without being controlled by them.
• You manage stress more effectively. You have tools and strategies to handle challenges in a healthy way.

Choosing to live in the experiencing state is well worth the effort if you want more enjoyment in life while also improving your relationships, work, finances, and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

LEARNING TO LIVE INTENTIONALLY

The following steps are based in neuroscience and will help you start living more intentionally, but keep in mind this process isn’t linear and can be challenging. Just like getting physically fit takes consistent effort, so does living in your experiencing state. Here are seven tips for doing so:

1. Create energizing rituals

These are the basics we all need to feel and perform at our best, but they often fall by the wayside when life gets busy. It’s easy to say there’s no time for self-care when the pressure is on, but counterintuitively, you’ll accomplish your tasks with better quality and ease when you prioritize these rituals.

Focus on sleep, nutritious food, hydration, exercise, taking breaks, meditation, mindfulness, time in nature, and self-reflection. Structuring your day and week around these activities can help you make them non-negotiable.

2. Access your deepest wisdom

Our society often prioritizes logic and intellect, but bypassing your emotions and body signals can cause internal conflict and drain your energy. To tap into deeper wisdom, cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion.

The next time you face a difficult decision, ask yourself, “Do I feel free when I consider this choice?” While you answer, notice emotional reactions like anxiety, bliss, or apathy, and scan your body for tension or energy shifts. Then, consult your logical mind. Aligning your emotions, body, and intellect will guide you to a more authentic and wise decision.

3. Visualize the outcome you want

Humans naturally focus on avoiding loss more than pursuing fulfillment, which can keep us stuck in familiar, unfulfilling patterns. To break free, shift your focus to what you want the freedom to do, be, and have. Create a vision for the next six months to two years that excites you. You can do this by reflecting on the most essential areas of your life and considering what would be ideal to be doing, being, and having in those areas. Act as if it has already happened, and for now don’t worry about how it’s going to happen.

This vision will help you act even when uncertainty feels uncomfortable, as imagining your success activates the same brain pathways as achieving it. Let your vision guide your present choices while staying flexible about the destination.

4. Root yourself in your purpose and core values

Life is unpredictable, but having clarity about your purpose and core values helps you stay aligned, no matter what happens. Think of your purpose as the five most important life intentions that need your focus now, and frame them around who you want to be. For example, my purpose might be to be a loving family member, a masterful guide for my clients, a successful business owner, a creator of beauty, and mentally, emotionally, and physically fit.

Your core values are the qualities you aim to embody, regardless of external circumstances — for example, being courageous, open-minded, kind, and genuine.

At the end of each day, check if you stayed aligned with your purpose and values — this brings satisfaction and meaning to life and keeps you on track to your deepest desires and goals.

5. Make a plan and take one imperfect action at a time

Anticipating obstacles to your vision, purpose, and values helps you strategize overcoming them. Set clear goals and milestones, but take it one step at a time. Think of each step as an experiment — you don’t need to be perfect. True clarity comes from taking action, not from overthinking a perfect plan.

As you take these steps, your brain and nervous system may resist change, but keep moving forward. Over time, you’ll build new neural pathways, making progress easier.

6. Become self-aware

Our conscious mind processes around 40 to 50 bits of information per second whereas our unconscious mind processes an estimated 11 million bits of information per second. This gap highlights the amount of mental processing that happens under the surface.

Instead of only focusing on results and trying to change behavior, dig deeper into the underlying beliefs driving those behaviors. Ask yourself whether those beliefs are true — our brains often create stories to protect us but that no longer serve us. By uncovering the root causes of your actions, you can make more intentional choices aligned with your vision, values, and purpose.

7. Acknowledge what works and pivot as needed

At the end of the day, it’s natural to focus on what didn’t go well, but make it a habit to also recognize what did. Celebrating progress keeps you motivated. When things don’t go as planned, view it as a learning opportunity and adjust your approach. This helps you keep improving and moving forward.

MAKING THE EXPERIENCING STATE REAL

In my own life, shifting to the experience state gave me the courage to leave behind a career role I had loved and that had served me well for almost two decades but was no longer right for me. I gained clarity on my zone of genius and created a business where I now guide CPAs to design their lives and businesses in a more fulfilling way.

To further show how this transformation works in practice, here are a few stories of clients who embraced the experiencing state. At the core of each scenario is the willingness to let go of something familiar that is no longer working in their life to move toward what they truly desire. Instead of being held back by the discomfort of uncertainty, these clients chose to step into the adventure of the unknown. (The following are real client stories with names changed and identifying details removed to protect privacy.)

Fred had been tied to his email 24/7 for the past 20 years, constantly in reactive mode, letting client requests dictate his day. His day began and ended with his phone. Even while playing golf, he was glued to his phone, making sure no fires needed putting out. Fred realized he was living by the belief that he could never do enough.

Once he clarified what he wanted and recognized the unconscious beliefs holding him back, he redesigned his business to focus on what he enjoyed most and where he could provide the most value. He aligned his team with this vision as well. The result? More freedom and time with his wife, higher-quality work for his clients, a happier team, and increased profitability. He hasn’t missed the busyaholic grind.

Kathy left her corporate tax director role five years ago to start her own practice. She quickly found herself working seven days a week, convinced that this level of effort was necessary for success. She was so focused on work that she missed family holidays and time for her home improvement hobbies. Kathy even considered leaving the CPA profession, thinking tax deadlines would force her to keep sacrificing other areas of her life. She realized she had a belief that if she didn’t constantly get through her work pile, her business would fail.

Once she gained clarity on what she wanted, she redesigned her business to focus on clients that made managing deadlines easier. She let go of the idea that more employees meant more success. Now, she’s in love with the CPA profession again, financially thriving, and has time for her hobbies, family, and personal well-being.

Arnie was at a crossroads. A CPA financial planner for decades, he was five to seven years from retirement and had never pursued his true passion of doing holistic business owner planning that tied together the business and personal aspects of his clients’ lives. He felt he was too old to pivot, and imposter syndrome, doubting his abilities despite evidence of his accomplishments and skills, kept him from changing course. Arnie realized he had a lifelong pattern of not going after what he really wanted out of fear of failure or judgment from others. This mindset had been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Once he saw the truth, Arnie realized his experience had perfectly prepared him for the work he was passionate about. He pursued business owner planning and now makes more money doing what excites him most. He also came to understand that focusing on his vitality, having fun, nurturing relationships, and avoiding burnout are what enable him to do his best work.

RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE

Life doesn’t have to be an endless struggle against work and responsibilities. By shifting from the default state to the experiencing state, you can reclaim your time, energy, and joy. Start making choices today that align with the life you truly want to lead. What will your next step be?

About the author

After more than two decades in the CPA profession, Andrea Millar, CPA/PFS, RLP, PCC, transitioned to founding Andrea Millar Life Planning. Driven by a passion for helping CPAs design their ideal clients, businesses, and lives, she guides professionals to achieve both personal and professional success and fulfillment. Connect with her at andreamillarlife-planning.com. To comment on this article or suggest an idea for another article, contact Jeff Drew at Jeff.Drew@aicpacima.com.

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